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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28060362">Had I Known</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsuwundere/pseuds/tsuwundere'>tsuwundere</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Character Study, Hurt No Comfort, Lack of Communication, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, New Dangan Ronpa V3 Spoilers, Pining, Sad, Two Shot, and miserable, pov is kokichi chapter 1 and shuichi chapter 2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 16:09:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,227</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28060362</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsuwundere/pseuds/tsuwundere</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kokichi wouldn’t make the same mistake again.</p><p>That is, he wouldn’t have anyone die in his place again.</p><p>Kokichi not dying had caused a rift between Shuichi and Kaito, and he could tell the former resented him for it.</p><p>He had the opportunity to fix it now, he thought, as he crawled into the hydraulic press.</p><p>Shuichi would have some detective work to do, but it was nothing he couldn’t handle. He was just that impressive, that intelligent, and that brilliant. And it would be so rewarding this time – surely, he’d be so pleased to find that another of his friends didn’t die.</p><p>He’d be so pleased to find it was Kokichi instead.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>177</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>Shuichi Saihara was not boring</em>, Kokichi had decided one evening.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The day had been relatively uneventful, with most of the students milling about aimlessly. Someone was probably plotting a murder, but there was no telling who at this point.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>If it was Shuichi, he was going about it in a strange way, considering the way he’d spent the afternoon with him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kokichi had been minding his own business with a jar of cookies by the window in the cafeteria when Shuichi had greeted him so sheepishly that he only <em>just</em> made out the Ultimate Detective’s quiet “Hello,” from all the white noise of the cafeteria at 1 o’clock.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Judging by how the detective was seemingly picking who to spend time with at random since Kaede died, he figured Shuichi didn’t seem to really have anyone close – either because he was struggling to make any other proper friends since Kaede had sheltered him like a chick in her nest, or because, like Kokichi, he was choosing not to.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>While the former was more likely, it would have been interesting if the latter turned out to be true.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Regardless, Kokichi entertained the detective whenever he came by to talk.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The night of Kirumi’s execution, Kokichi had decided that Shuichi Saihara was not only not boring, but also <em>cute</em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was some time past midnight when the class trial ended and everyone had separated to smaller groups or returned to their bedrooms alone – like Kokichi had.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>After having been throttled by Maki for exposing her true talent less than 5 minutes ago, he was still in the process of regaining strength in his trembling knees. He opened his bedroom door and staggered in, haphazardly swinging it behind him and trusting it to close on its own.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Instead, the door bounced off of something with a dull <em>thud</em> sound, followed by someone’s yelp.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Someone was there.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kokichi hastily rubbed at his eyes where tears had collected at his waterline, but it was little use.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ah, K-Kokichi… I came to see if you were okay.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The detective spoke from the doorframe, one foot in his room and one foot in the corridor, as if he was looking for permission to come in.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kokichi appreciated the considerate thought, but the sentiment wouldn’t be communicated in his hyperawareness that he couldn’t risk the chance of anybody walking past seeing him in a moment of weakness – so he had marched over, pulled Shuichi in with handling that made him trip and stumble, and shut the door behind the two of them firmly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Of course I’m okay,” Kokichi said, the tears he failed to control now falling.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’re crying… I’m sorry that happened to you, it looked like it hurt—”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Not at all.” Kokichi interrupted when he felt his heartstrings tangle at the concern in Shuichi’s voice. “I have allergies. These tears will stop any minute now.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But they didn’t, and Shuichi obviously remained unconvinced.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He walked over, and wrapped his arms around Kokichi tentatively.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The gesture was done so gently, so tenderly that Kokichi almost forgot the circumstances they were in.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He leaned into Shuichi’s touch, but rejected the urge tugging at his arms to return to the hug.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“That’s a lie, right?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah,” Kokichi mumbled into Shuichi’s chest before taking a second to orient himself from the lightheadedness that followed the unfamiliarity of such a warm, comforting sensation flooding his system.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kokichi then plastered his signature grin on his face and looked up at the detective. “The truth is, this was all a trap to lure you in so I could murder you!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The second Shuichi loosened his hold around Kokichi in surprise, the latter snatched a pillow off his bed behind him and lobbed it directly in Shuichi’s face. It made the detective fall backwards, the pillow landing in his lap.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I don’t like to fight dirty, so you can use that to defend yourself.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Is that also a lie?” The detective asked, unfazed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yep!” Kokichi cried, raising a second weaponised pillow above his head to bring it down on his increasingly cute houseguest before he had a chance to even pick up his pillow.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He genuinely wasn’t expecting Shuichi to actually take advantage of the massive opening he’d left himself, nor was he expecting the razor-sharp reflexes it took for the boy to bring his pillow across Kokichi’s stomach with enough force to actually send him stumbling backwards onto his bed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He thought Shuichi would just take a soft stuffing-based beating with little resistance, but it turned out he hadn’t gotten that solid of a read on his personality after all.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Shuichi was just full of surprises, he supposed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It only occurred to Kokichi to pick up his weapon again when Shuichi had gotten to his feet, the light overhead casting an intimidating shadow over Kokichi’s comparatively smaller form.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He reached for his dropped pillow on the floor in what should have been a swift, surprise movement, but Shuichi had simply just kicked it away first.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You have no defense now, so I win, right?” Shuichi said, seemingly satisfied with concluding Kokichi’s impromptu pillowfight at that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I don’t start fights that I don’t win, Shuichi Saihara!” Was what Kokichi had piped up with before snatching the pillow that was still in Shuichi’s hands with ease, and pulling him down in the process.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He landed face-first in Kokichi’s bedding, and his attempt to roll over and face the boy was met with the latter bringing his pillow down onto the detective’s face.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Now I’m going to suffocate you!” Kokichi said as Shuichi whined underneath his hold.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Nooo,” came a muffled cry from behind the pillow. “I yield. I forfeit! I’ve lost. Please let me go,” he said, gripping sightlessly at Kokichi’s wrists.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Since you’re begging, I suppose I can spare you this one time.” Kokichi said with a shrug, releasing the detective before he could suffocate.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Perhaps that was something done too quickly, with too little thought, because Kokichi was caught completely off-guard by Shuichi’s red-faced, breathless state once he had let go.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Embarrassed, Kokichi practically leapt to the other end of his bed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Sorry,” he mumbled quickly as the detective sat up, fighting off the intrusive idea that Shuichi might make faces like that if he were to kiss him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“…Good.” Was all he heard in response. “You look happier now.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kokichi didn’t turn to look back at the detective, but he felt his eyes widen at those words, and his heart began to beat faster against his ribcage.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m getting kind of tired now, Shuichi,” Kokichi blurted out, desperate to be alone with his deafeningly loud thumping heart now. “It’s late. I’m going to try and sleep.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“That’s good,” Shuichi said, and Kokichi spared him a glance that lasted as long as the universe would let him (not very long, it turned out) to find that he was smiling softly in his direction. “I should try to get some sleep, too. Well then…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The detective stood up and adjusted his uniform where it had slipped slightly out of place during their pillowfight. Kokichi kept his eyes trained on the floor.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’ll see you tomorrow. Sleep well.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah,” Kokichi responded, hearing the door open and close behind him.</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Kokichi had the tendency to keep everyone at arm’s length, but that didn’t mean he didn’t feel a bond with the detective – especially not after the events of that night, having seen how far the other would go to make sure he was okay.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It took some time, but Kokichi came to terms with the fact that he had fallen for that trait in Shuichi.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Which is why it stung a little when said detective began to grow distant.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Slowly but surely, the greetings lessened, the conversations stopped, and the time he spent with Kokichi wittled down to eventually none.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kokichi had never been the type to grieve over fall outs. There were so many people in the world; so much that any individual person could be considered disposable.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kokichi didn’t <em>need</em> anybody. <em>Everyone</em> was disposable. Reliance and dependency were vices bound to lead to one’s downfall.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>…Yet, the fact this <em>wasn’t</em> a fall out, and he wasn’t sure what he’d even done to scare the detective away gnawed away at him, kept him pinned down in bed after the morning announcements, forced him to avoid the cafeteria while the detective was there, consumed his mind, shrouded his vision and drove him to resent Kaito and Maki.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The three of them were getting along so well now.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kokichi decided Shuichi had too much in common with him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He probably also thought any individual person was disposable.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He probably also thought Kokichi was disposable.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Regardless, Kokichi kept his hands around his beating heart. He kept it together, kept it warm, kept it going. There was still every chance he could tell Shuichi how he felt at some point.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was certain of it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A few days later, Angie and Tenko were murdered.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’d been suspicious of a number of empty rooms near the crime scenes, and had gone to investigate – alone, as usual.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And that was why he struggled to support himself when he’d fallen through a floorboard with a missing crosspiece, landing head-first underneath the floor.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’d suffered some kind of lasceration that made him collapse again once he’d come back around to the front of the rooms.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Damn… it…” he muttered underneath his breath, supporting himself up as far as he could on one arm. He brought a hand up to his forehead, where he felt something warm and wet, and almost threw up when he saw his hands covered in his own bright pink blood, matching a blurry splatter on the floor that he’d made when he fell over.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Only then did he register the presence of two people at the doorframes of one of the rooms before him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He grinned at them, unable to make out their faces in his dizziness and unclear vision.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“…Did I getcha? Were you going to scream and cry in terror?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Wh-What are you doing?” One bewildered voice answered.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kokichi pushed himself up off the floor, standing against the wall for support, accidentally staining it pink with the blood on his hands in the process.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It took Kokichi a minute to remember that he’d been asked a question.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, sorry… I’m just a little light-headed from the blood loss. Yeah, this is real blood.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“…Okay, so what are you doing?” The same voice responded, kind of callously…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I-Investigating,” Kokichi replied, almost defensively. “I was checking that room n… next door… When I-I stepped through the floorboard.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kokichi stumbled, his head suddenly feeling heavier than a moment ago.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“If you’re going to lose consciousness, do it after you tell us everything.” A second voice called out.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“O-Oh… Sorry, my bad…” Kokichi answered. He squinted, still unable to tell who exactly he was speaking to. It could have been a Monokub for all he knew.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I guess… there was no crosspiece supporting that floorboard, so I kinda… stepped through…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There was a beat of silence before the speakers went off, with Monokuma’s shrill, grating voice booming from them. They were being summoned to head down to the trial grounds now.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kokichi rubbed at his eyes and for a moment, his vision became clear again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’d been talking to Maki and… Shuichi.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There was a sudden weight on his chest, as though his heart itself was trying to recoil at the sight of him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Their eyes on Kokichi were suspicious before they’d left him behind to answer Monokuma’s call.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kokichi felt something within him tear slightly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The Monokubs treated his injuries later.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He lay in bed that night, thinking it was ironic that those remote-controlled bears seemed to have more empathy for Kokichi than his peers here did at this point.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>…And for the first time, he entertained the thought that it was a little sad. Was he never going to hear Shuichi say “Are you okay?” ever again?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He shut his eyes tightly and pushed all thoughts of the detective to the back of his mind.</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>If everyone here hated him so much, Kokichi thought it wouldn’t matter to talk a little shit.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He stood corrected when Kaito lunged at him with his fist and enough force to send him to the ground.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Kokichi… what the hell’s gotten into you?” He growled through gritted teeth.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You were messed up to begin with, but this is a whole other level of weird,” he continued when Kokichi didn’t say anything. “If you keep acting like this, I’m gonna have to knock your senses back into you!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The astronaut then grabbed hold of Kokichi’s limp body by his collar, and readied a second punch.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kokichi prepared himself for the blow. A part of him wanted to frantically apologise and beg him not to do it again, but he held back – any sign of weakness at this point was probably going to be used to <em>someone’s</em> advantage.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So instead, he stayed mute and waited for Kaito to finish blowing off steam.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Kaito, please stop.” Came a robotic voice. It was Keebo. “There is never a good reason to be violent. Even minor aggressions… can lead to atrocities such as murder.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>…That made Kaito drop his clenched fist and release Kokichi’s clothing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He landed on his arm and stayed put for a minute as he tried to regain his composure.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Rescued by the robots again, huh?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kokichi had let his bangs fall into his eyes so nobody could see the tears that had welled up there – whether that had been on impact or afterwards was impossible to tell even with Kokichi.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What he certainly could tell though, was that it genuinely, <em>genuinely</em> stung when the conversation continued with Kokichi on the floor, away from the group, the skin below his eye colouring purple by the second.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He peered up at the sight of Shuichi’s back to him through the curtain of purple hair in his eyes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Had he… already done something unforgivable? Was that why he was being treated like some kind of plague?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>…What was it that he’d done? What did he need to repent for? Was there any clue for him to figure it out anywhere?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kokichi wanted to ask Shuichi. He desperately needed to know what he needed forgiveness for so he could beg for it from him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So he stood outside the detective’s dorm room door later that night, eyeing the doorbell nervously.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>…He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t bring himself to press the bell, let alone face Shuichi and <em>talk</em> to him. He pressed his forehead against his nameplate on the door.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“…What are you doing?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“H-Huh?” Kokichi turned to face the voice from behind him and was faced by the sight of Shuichi, Kaito <em>and</em> Maki.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Oh… That’s right. The three of them spent time together in the courtyard in the evenings. Kokichi had totally forgotten.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kokichi swallowed. “I… wasn’t doing anything. Just passing by.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You better not be up to anything weird,” Kaito muttered in his usual accusatory tone that he used exclusively with Kokichi.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There was another tearing sensation in his chest.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Not at all.” He replied, and moved toward the staircase to head up to his own room.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He listened for the clicking of the door closing behind him correctly before he let out the heavy sigh he’d been keeping in.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He caught sight of his reflection in the mirror by his wardrobe and winced. He still had bandages where his skin was still healing from the fall he’d taken during the last investigation, the bruise Kaito had left on his cheek was starting to match his hair in colour, his drooping posture was hard to straighten and maintain and his eyes were hardly even round anymore.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He felt like he wasn’t going to make it for much longer.</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Miu was trying to kill him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Miu was trying to kill him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Miu was trying to kill him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was pacing back and forth in his bedroom, hands through his hair, his scarf slipping from his shoulders.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There’s no-one he could tell, no-one he could trust, no-one that would help him…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What should he do? What <em>could</em> he do?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He looked at Shuichi’s picture on his whiteboard, alongside their fourteen other classmates that he had begun to take notes on a little while after Kirumi’s execution.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Underneath the detective’s portrait read the word “trustworthy”.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He had tried to erase it a number of times now, but it had been there for too long before his first attempt for it to rub off without a solvent. So there it stayed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kokichi’s heart was fearfully pounding with enough force to disturb the wounds Shuichi had left there.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It hurt so much, and he needed to relieve it. He needed to come up with a plan. Anything… He didn’t want to die – not now, not yet. He still wanted to spend more time with Shuichi. There were still things he needed to tell him, and things he wanted to ask him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>…Gonta.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was going to use Gonta.</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Every one individual is disposable</em>, had been Kokichi’s worldview from the very start. There were so many people on the planet, it was impossible that one or two people would matter in the grand scheme of things. It’s fine if Kokichi stepped on a few people to advance his position. It’s what others would and had done to him, too. It’s how the world <em>worked</em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was something Kokichi believed so strongly, yet something that was constantly being proved wrong.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>First, Shuichi’s distance made his heart ache.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Second, Gonta’s execution made his heart <em>shatter</em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Was it worth it? Was it worth sacrificing Gonta’s life for his own, which nobody cared about…?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He looked around him, at the broken expressions on everyone’s faces.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They were all thinking Kokichi should have died instead.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But… Miu’s crime was perfectly planned… Had Kokichi laid his life and played right into her hands, it wasn’t just about his own life – everyone was likely to have died.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So… He did well, right? By figuring it out in advance and changing the sequence of events to something solvable? He… saved a few people, right? It’s not like he wanted Gonta to die either… <em>He</em> just didn’t want to die, and he couldn’t have controlled the situation all by himself, and… there was no-one he could trust.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What else could he have done?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’d had his eyes trained on the screen on his stand in front of him, his hands gripping the sides with enough force to turn his knuckles white.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Only then did he realise he was being spoken to.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>…On the count of three, he’ll play the part of the villain that everyone hated so much.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’ll put on the performance everyone wanted.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Kokichi,” Kaito began with a clenched jaw. “If you really cared for Gonta, explain yourself to everyone and—”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I don’t want to, <em>idiot</em>!” Kokichi answered, eyes entirely too wide for the size of the sinister smile on his face.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh man, did you fall for all that fake crying?” He cackled, breathless from his own show of mania. “You’re so dumb! I’d never cry for Gonta!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kaito was outraged. He practically flew at Kokichi, but his punch was sluggish and the latter easily dodged it, hitting him in the process.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’d attacked Kokichi first… He had to defend himself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Had he landed the punch, surely it would’ve been exactly like last time. Not a single person would intervene, most likely regardless of how bloodied and bruised Kokichi became.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He had to defend himself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Everyone gathered around Kaito, and Kokichi didn’t get it. That’s not the way things worked in <em>his</em> experience.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He opened his mouth, a taunt readied on his tongue.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kaito deserved it. <em>He’s</em> the one with the violent tendencies. All Kokichi did was lie.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kokichi was justified. Kokichi was innocent.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You… <em>really</em> want to die, don’t you?!” Maki screamed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No— Maki, wait!” Shuichi held her arm held to his chest, holding her back with his entire body.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, did I finally provoke you enough? Is it ‘cause of Kaito?” Kokichi was doubling over in laughter, holding his stomach. “Nah, that can’t be right. Maki wouldn’t lose her cool for a guy like Kaito. He’s totally pathetic. All bark and no bite—”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Pathetic? Look at yourself, Kokichi.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kokichi’s confusion was quickly becoming overwhelming. He turned towards the owner of the voice.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“…What?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Kaito always has us by his side, see? But no-one wants to be around you.” The Ultimate Detective gestured between Kaito and Kokichi, demonstrating… just how empty his side was.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’re alone, Kokichi. And you always will be.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>I know that Shuichi, you fucking moron. That’s the whole point…</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hahaha! Are you talking about friends? I don’t need—”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kokichi’s initial anger dissipated into a different feeling. It was squeezing at his chest, sucking the air out of his lungs, and thinning his voice. He stopped before it could break.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He swallowed, and neutralised his expression.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Geez, boring. I don’t care anymore.”</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Kokichi wouldn’t make the same mistake again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That is, he wouldn’t have anyone die in his place again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kokichi not dying had caused a rift between Shuichi and Kaito, and he could tell the former resented him for it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He had the opportunity to fix it now, he thought, as he crawled into the hydraulic press.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Shuichi would have some detective work to do, but it was nothing he couldn’t handle. He was just that impressive, that intelligent, and that brilliant. And it would be so rewarding this time – surely, he’d be so pleased to find that another of his friends didn’t die.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’d be so pleased to find it was Kokichi instead.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Shuichi would get to have one more conversation with Kaito, at the cost of Kokichi’s life. It was basically a win-win, right?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kokichi figured it wouldn’t serve as enough of an apology, but he was selfish enough to hope that maybe Shuichi would forgive him anyway.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He always was so merciful and kind, even if it hadn’t been directed toward Kokichi for a long time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He still wondered what he’d done wrong.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tears slid down the sides of Kokichi’s face.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The press was going to start coming down. He opened his mouth to tell Kaito to wait just one more moment, but all that escaped him was ragged breathing. The poison seemed to have numbed his mouth and tongue at this point, and he couldn’t speak.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He bit his lip. Perhaps that was a good thing, if the camera was already rolling. He couldn’t ruin his own plan at such a critical moment…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His breathing became heavier as the hydraulic press continued to descend.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He wasn’t sure why he felt entitled to feeling this way, but in his final moments, Kokichi couldn’t help but feel slighted at the thought – no, the <em>knowledge</em> – that Shuichi wouldn’t cry for him after all this.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was human nature to be greedy, and Kokichi wasn’t exempt. Shuichi had held him once, and Kokichi wanted him to do it every day. He wanted to hear him ask how he was all the time. He began to dream of escaping with him, of healing with him, living with him, falling asleep in his arms at night.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His feelings became a crime that Kokichi was now paying for.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The whirring of the hydraulic press became so loud that it overtook his senses and he could no longer hear himself think.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He closed his eyes and waited for it all to end.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>me: ah yes i just finished a 65k saiou fic, time to take a nice long break :)<br/>also me, 3 days later:</p><p>LISTEN sometimes i just can't take a break even if i want to akjhdkjfgd and this two-shot isn't even the only thing i'm working on for saiou right now my brain is melting</p><p>second chapter will be shuichi pov and provide insight into how he's coping with his pining. it's frustrating, it's irritating, you'll want to punch him through the screen just to get him to open his damn mouth i promise you. see you all then x</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shuichi shut his bedroom door behind him, slid down the inside of it to the floor and put his hands in his face.</p><p> </p><p>Kokichi was so cute. He could barely cope – he was just so darn cute!</p><p> </p><p>He moved his hands from his tomato-red face and held them over his rapidly thumping heart, convinced that if he let it beat any harder or faster, it would sprout legs, burst out of his chest and run back over to Kokichi, who it so desperately wanted to stay with.</p><p> </p><p>Regardless of how far the purple-haired boy’s pretenses went, they had lost two of their friends that day and Shuichi deduced there was little chance that Kokichi was going to be okay after all that, <em>plus</em> what had happened with Maki.</p><p> </p><p>That was why he had gone to check up on him that night and intended to stay by his side until he was sure the smaller of the pair was going to be okay.</p><p> </p><p>Naturally, Shuichi had walked into a pillowfight. Kokichi seemed to have the tendency to hide behind a wall of playfulness – even at midnight, after a murder, a class trial, an execution and after having had hands pressing down on his windpipe.</p><p> </p><p>Shuichi blinked blankly when the fight was initiated with a pillow being tossed in his direction, the tears streaming down the grinning aggressor’s face still yet to dry.</p><p> </p><p>Figuring it would help to distract the small, human-shaped enigma, Shuichi played along.</p><p> </p><p>Kokichi had underhanded tactics left to try even in defeat, Shuichi found a few minutes later, when the pillow he was holding as he stood over his defenseless classmate was pulled from his grip, forcing the detective face-first down into Kokichi’s bedding in the process.</p><p> </p><p>His attempt to roll over and sit up was anticipated and intercepted by his enemy in this stuffing war, he found, when Kokichi simply placed his pillow over his face and held him down.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m going to suffocate you now!” He sing-songed from somewhere beyond Shuichi’s sight.</p><p> </p><p>“Nooo,” Shuichi cried back into the pillow. It was then that he realised said pillow carried Kokichi’s scent in the cotton, and Shuichi felt himself flush with embarrassement.</p><p> </p><p>He gripped at Kokichi’s wrists on the other side of the pillow with thinly veiled desperation. “I yield. I forfeit! I’ve lost. Please let me go,”</p><p> </p><p>He writhed a little in an attempt to wriggle free, but it was no use. He ended up inhaling another large dose of the fragrance of Kokichi’s shampoo as he tried not to suffocate against the fabric, and shamefully acknowledged the sensation of a dizzying rush of heat travelling to his cheeks and the tips of his ears.</p><p> </p><p>Finally, Kokichi let go, and Shuichi inhaled sharply in an attempt to compensate for how long he’d been holding his breath.</p><p> </p><p>Thankfully, the self-proclaimed <em>supreme leader</em> (Shuichi had his reservations) had scurried to the foot of his bed and was staring at the floor with some kind of determination, mumbling something Shuichi didn’t quite catch, so he probably hadn’t noticed how red Shuichi had gotten.</p><p> </p><p>…Probably. Right? He couldn’t be blushing that hard.</p><p> </p><p>The pair of them had bid farewell for the night soon afterwards, and a moment later was when the dread began to set in.</p><p> </p><p>Shuichi crawled from where he was sitting on the floor at his doorstep to his mirror and…</p><p> </p><p>Yeah. <em>Yeah</em>, Kokichi <em>definitely</em> would have noticed how much Shuichi was blushing.</p><p> </p><p>Crap…</p><p> </p><p>The detective put his hands against his cheeks, feeling how feverishly warm he was.</p><p> </p><p>…</p><p> </p><p>That… was why Kokichi had ushered him out of his room so quickly afterwards, right? He’d seen how worked up Shuichi had gotten over a normal, innocent pillowfight between friends, and he probably thought Shuichi was some kind of strange pervert now.</p><p> </p><p><em>Shit</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Shuichi somehow was overcome with exhaustion then. He carried his heavy body to his bed and collapsed on it.</p><p> </p><p>He was so infatuated, so enamoured, so smitten that it was stressful. His heart, weighted with all his affection for the purple-haired prankster, was constantly going at a million miles per hour against his ribcage that could barely contain it anymore, and his feelings showed up so frustratingly easily on his face without any bravery for verbal clarification to go with it.</p><p> </p><p>As he drifted off to sleep that night, he decided he would suppress this creepy crush of his. Kokichi shouldn’t have to feel so uncomfortable around him…</p><p> </p><p>Holding back his feelings was the only way he could make sure nothing changed between them.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The first thing Shuichi saw upon stepping out of his dorm room just <em>had to be</em> Kokichi leisurely walking down the stairs, minding his own business with his hands behind his head – that was, until he’d spotted Shuichi.</p><p> </p><p>He waved with a smile, eyes turning into pretty crescents.</p><p> </p><p>“Good morning, Shuichi,” he greeted simply, a warm and sincere smile still sitting gently on his face.</p><p> </p><p>Shuichi immediately choked on his own saliva.</p><p> </p><p>“I-I… I’ve forgotten something! You go ahead to breakfast, tell the others I’ll be late!” He said in between splutters and coughs, heading right back through his dorm room door that hadn’t even had the chance to shut.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re a funny one, huh?” He heard Kokichi giggle from his position on the stairs on Shuichi’s way back in before the door slammed shut behind him.</p><p> </p><p>Shuichi wasn’t sure if it was the choking or what that prompted the tears that sprung to his eyes right then, but it was troublesome all the same.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Shuichi had gotten caught up in some kind of boot camp led by Kaito soon afterwards.</p><p> </p><p>He was being pressed to do dozens of push-ups and sit-ups every night, alongside Maki who’d been dragged in at some point too. She often left Shuichi in the dust, finishing much earlier than him (assuming he would even manage to finish) before dusting herself off and idling nearby.</p><p> </p><p>Somehow, Shuichi grew to enjoy these sessions. The exercise was good for him – it cleared his anxious mind of the invasive thoughts of Kokichi that he’d been plagued with since the night of Kirumi’s execution and let him rest easier at night and eat better during the day.</p><p> </p><p>He was also making friends. He’d only had Kaede up until then, and she… well…</p><p> </p><p>…It was just nice to have people to spend time with again.</p><p> </p><p>Speaking of <em>spending time with people</em>, it’d been a solid three or four days since that pillowfight he’d had with Kokichi.</p><p> </p><p>As deathly anxious as he got approaching the boy, he supposed it wasn’t fair to disappear on him so suddenly. Shuichi knew people had a tendency to think they’d done something wrong when something like that happened.</p><p> </p><p>That was why the detective waited around in the cafeteria for the pint-sized trickster to show up for about three lunches in a row. The third day, he’d waited all the way from 11 o’clock til 4 o’clock, figuring it was unlikely anyone would eat lunch any earlier or any later than that.</p><p> </p><p>He watched the sunset out the barred windows, his hands around a cup of tea that had gone cold. Kokichi hadn’t shown up.</p><p> </p><p>It prompted Shuichi to worry enough to ask each of the surviving Monokubs if they’d seen him eat or… wander around at all, really. Now that he thought about it, Shuichi hadn’t seen the boy <em>anywhere</em> for a little while now.</p><p> </p><p>Shuichi’s mouth turned dry at that realisation. Was Kokichi avoiding him…?</p><p> </p><p>Completing his collection of useless reports from those intolerable bears, Shuichi decided to take a tray of Monokub-prepared food to Kokichi’s dorm. It wasn’t nearly as good as Kirumi’s food, but it’d have to suffice now.</p><p> </p><p>He’d also taken a glass of water and a packet of painkillers with him, in case the boy had disappeared due to sickness or something.</p><p> </p><p>He found that wasn’t the case when he knocked on Kokichi’s dorm room door, and said boy appeared beyond it, looking largely healthy with the exception of slightly sunken cheeks.</p><p> </p><p>Kokichi’s large, round, wide purple eyes met Shuichi’s and he felt himself flush.</p><p> </p><p>“Um… uh,” Shuichi’s mouth seemed to dry up the moment he’d opened it to speak. “I… brought you food. Because…”</p><p> </p><p>He swallowed thickly. He couldn’t say he’d noticed the purple haired boy wasn’t eating, because that would imply he’d been watching him closely. That’s creepy…</p><p> </p><p>“Because the… the Monokubs were complaining. Complaining that you haven’t been leaving your room even to eat,”</p><p> </p><p>It rolled off his tongue feeling all wrong. Other than the fact it was a bare-faced lie, it was also entirely too impersonal; irreflective of the warmth Shuichi felt for him. But he forced his hammering heart into stillness and cast aside the urge to invite himself in, ask the boy how he’d been, hold his hand—</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you, Shuichi.” He said, delicately taking the tray from Shuichi, careful not to tip anything on it. Kokichi smiled, but it didn’t meet his eyes. At the same time, he could’ve sworn he saw his shoulders droop.</p><p> </p><p>“Right, so um…” Shuichi rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “That’s all. I’ll leave you to it then,”</p><p> </p><p>Kokichi was still smiling, but something in his eyes looked so miserable.</p><p> </p><p>“Sure thing,” Kokichi said as Shuichi began to retreat.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m glad the Monokubs are thinking about me,” he added after a pause. “I was worried for a little while that everyone was starting to forget about me.”</p><p> </p><p>Shuichi blinked and opened his mouth to say something, but didn’t get the chance to start. Kokichi had already shut the door.</p><p> </p><p>It was so ironic, he thought as he descended from the second floor of the dorms and head into his own bedroom. It was ironic that Kokichi would think he was being forgotten about.</p><p> </p><p>Considering Shuichi couldn’t <em>stop</em> thinking about him.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>When Shuichi saw Kokichi laid face-down in a pool of his own pink blood at his forehead, Shuichi felt a piercing cry travel through his nervous system and to his throat, but his vocal cords had already seized with horror.</p><p> </p><p>And when Kokichi pushed himself up on one arm, grinning, with “Did I getcha? Were you going to scream and cry in terror?” leaving his mouth when he’d sat up, Shuichi couldn’t help but feel a pinch of betrayal.</p><p> </p><p>Because <em>yes</em>, he <em>was</em> going to scream and cry in terror. If this was a prank, it wasn’t very funny.</p><p> </p><p>“Wh-What are you doing?” He asked, a worried whine audible in his voice.</p><p> </p><p>Kokichi dragged himself up onto shaky legs, using the wall to support him.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, sorry… I’m just a little light-headed from the blood loss. Yeah, this is real blood.”</p><p> </p><p>Shuichi felt himself pout, but erased the childish and petulant expression from his face when he felt Maki’s presence return to his side. He also swat the urge to go over and help support Kokichi with his injury dead against the wall.</p><p> </p><p>He sucked in a deep breath. Maki was right there. It was one thing to embarrass Kokichi with his weird feelings in these weird circumstances, and then it was a whole other thing to let other students know too.</p><p> </p><p>“…Okay, so what are you doing?” Shuichi repeated with less emotion.</p><p> </p><p>(It sounded awful, he decided, and did not intend to use that tone with Kokichi again.)</p><p> </p><p>“I-Investigating,” Kokichi answered, mumbling something else afterwards inaudibly.</p><p> </p><p>He stumbled as though he was going to collapse again, and Shuichi <em>almost</em> reached out to catch him.</p><p> </p><p>“If you’re going to lose consciousness, do it after you tell us everything.” Maki said sharply, and Shuichi flinched.</p><p> </p><p>Is that… the attitude he was going to have to conform to? Is that how Kokichi was to be treated by everyone?</p><p> </p><p>Apparently so, was the answer daybreak carried a number of hours later.</p><p> </p><p>When Kaito sprinted towards Kokichi with all the speed of a bullet and punched him in the face without holding back, Shuichi froze in place.</p><p> </p><p>He was familiar with Kaito’s punches, having been on the receiving end of one many weeks ago now. Kokichi was much smaller than he was though, and seemed to submit immediately, turning limp and going mute with his scarf and his collar in Kaito’s angry fist.</p><p> </p><p>The prankster had been talking absolute garbage just then, but that was… just what he did. He was a bit of a prick, a bit of a troll; he enjoyed seeing people squirm a little bit and sure, it was annoying but it was also… kind of endearing. He was just <em>playful</em> – lacking in boundaries, but innocently playful nonetheless.</p><p> </p><p>Shuichi was convinced there was no genuine malice or ill-will behind what he did or said. Beyond it all was an actual person, who Shuichi saw firsthand cried, bled and became frightened when things were scary – just like the rest of them.</p><p> </p><p>Shuichi vowed to himself that he’d check on the purple-haired boy as soon as he had the opportunity to. Sooner rather than later, preferably. When the conversation died down and people started going their separate ways, perhaps.</p><p> </p><p>If Shuichi was going to feed into the narrative that they all needed to co-operate, then he wasn’t prepared to leave Kokichi behind.</p><p> </p><p>It seemed fate had other plans though, because once he had turned around to where Kokichi had been moments ago at the first chance he got, the smaller boy had disappeared.</p><p> </p><p>He didn’t see him again until that evening.</p><p> </p><p>He’d checked all around the school, even the basement and all the weird spots outside that nobody really went to, like Tenko’s lab.</p><p> </p><p>He’d even asked Monokuma, who unhelpfully put the idea that he’d been murdered in the boys’ bathrooms into his head. Shuichi practically flung the door off its hinges to make sure it had just been a lie, just to find an annoyed Kaito at the urinal with his fly down.</p><p> </p><p>Speaking of Kaito, he’d also been acting suspiciously as of late. He’d been spending a lot of time in his room, missing meals and training – the very thing he’d been organising himself all this time.</p><p> </p><p>Everyone was so goddamn secretive that Shuichi wondered if co-operation – whether that was Kaito’s or Kokichi’s definition of the word that he was going by – was even truly possible at this rate.</p><p> </p><p>That evening though, Shuichi felt a rush of relief through his system when he’d spotted the boy in front of his dorm room door.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you doing?” Shuichi was sort of excited, but tainted with nerves that once again came out of nowhere, the bubbles in his tone flattened to something that sounded a lot more suspicious.</p><p> </p><p>By the look on Kokichi’s startled face, he seemed to hear it that way too.</p><p> </p><p>“H-Huh?” He glanced between the three of them before his eyes sparkled with some kind of sadness. “I… I wasn’t doing anything. Just passing by.”</p><p> </p><p>“You better not be up to anything weird,” Kaito muttered and Shuichi wanted to feed him a punch of his own.</p><p> </p><p>“Not at all.” He replied, stepping past the three of them towards the staircase.</p><p> </p><p>That’s when something twisted in Shuichi’s stomach. Something felt off. The look on Kokichi’s face just then was so full of hopelessness, and Shuichi was consumed with the idea that if he didn’t chase Kokichi up those stairs and stay by his side <em>now</em>, the purple-haired boy was going to vanish forever.</p><p> </p><p>He’d taken one step in Kokichi’s direction as he opened his own dorm room door up the stairs before he was stopped by a tug at his sleeve.</p><p> </p><p>“C’mon bro, let’s head out then.” Kaito said, gesturing for the double doors that lead out to the courtyard.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh… Uh, yeah. Let’s go.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Shuichi was wrong.</p><p> </p><p>Shuichi was so horribly wrong.</p><p> </p><p>He’d never felt more unsure of his title as the Ultimate Detective than now, looking at the state of Gonta’s corpse and Kokichi’s manic laughter from his podium.</p><p> </p><p>Being a detective didn’t necessarily mean you were a great judge of character, but Shuichi didn’t realise it was possible to be this incorrect about somebody – Ultimate Detective or not.</p><p> </p><p>He felt his tender feelings for Kokichi melt into something twisted and ugly in that moment, while his insides were on fire with the rush of fury and adrenaline.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh man, did you fall for all that fake crying?” Kokichi was breathless and wheezing. “You’re so dumb! I’d never cry for Gonta!”</p><p> </p><p>Kaito ran towards Kokichi and there was a flurry of purple in both hair and clothing before… Kaito was knocked to the ground, and Kokichi remained standing with that shit-eating grin of his still plastered to his face.</p><p> </p><p>“You… <em>really</em> want to die, don’t you?!” Maki screamed, clearly ready for murder.</p><p> </p><p>Shuichi wasn’t sure what prompted him since he was certain that even he was as outraged as the pair of them, but his body seemed to move on its own as he ran over to restrain Maki.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, did I finally provoke you enough?” More words fell out of Kokichi’s <em>annoying</em> mouth. “Nah, that can’t be right. Maki wouldn’t lose her cool for a guy like Kaito. He’s totally pathetic! All bark and no bite—”</p><p> </p><p>Shuichi’s pulse roared.</p><p> </p><p>“Pathetic? Look at yourself, Kokichi.”</p><p> </p><p>It got Kokichi to shut up. Thank <em>God</em>, it got Kokichi to shut up.</p><p> </p><p>Any more and Shuichi was certain he was going to be driven insane.</p><p> </p><p>“…What?”</p><p> </p><p>“Kaito always has us by his side, see? But no-one wants to be around you.” With a clenched jaw, Shuichi gestured to Kokichi’s empty side.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re alone, Kokichi. And you always will be.”</p><p> </p><p>Something angry flashed through Kokichi’s eyes when he began his retort, but it had vanished as quickly as it had appeared. He trailed off, and the expression that replaced it was blank – guarded, and it pissed Shuichi off even more.</p><p> </p><p>Just when he was about to raise his voice at Kokichi to tell him to just get his shit together and communicate or else just fuck off already, he caught sight of a look on Monokuma’s face that Shuichi would find would haunt him for the rest of his pitiful life.</p><p> </p><p>There was this terrible, entertained grin on that stupid bear’s face – as if he knew something that Shuichi didn’t, as if Shuichi had played straight into his hands, as if something awful was going to happen and Shuichi was going to regret everything he’d just said.</p><p> </p><p>He had no time to think about it. Kokichi had dismissed himself and Kaito was spitting up profuse amounts of blood.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Kaito climbed out of the Exisal and Shuichi’s knees gave way.</p><p> </p><p>When he’d come across the pool of blood in the Exisal hangar with Kaito’s sleeve poking out the hydraulic press, Shuichi had to run outside lest he expelled the contents of his stomach right on the floor of the crime scene.</p><p> </p><p>In his state of shock, he had jumped to conclusions in that moment.</p><p> </p><p>Kaito was dead and Kokichi, who was missing, who had taken Kaito hostage here, who had declared that he was the mastermind a few nights prior, and who had proven to be a genuine douchebag time and time again already, had murdered him in such a brutal way.</p><p> </p><p>Shuichi began to seethe again. To <em>think</em> he had considered apologising to and trying to coax some kind of explanation out of Kokichi on the night of Gonta’s execution!</p><p> </p><p>He had marched back into the hangar, with the intention of uncovering every bit of evidence to prove Kokichi’s guilt so that Shuichi could finally put an end to the madness, chaos and discord that he brought with him everywhere with an execution that would fit his heinous crimes.</p><p> </p><p>…Kokichi’s <em>guilt</em>, huh? Everything was always so ironic with that boy that it wasn’t even funny anymore. Just painful. Crushingly painful.</p><p> </p><p>And what of these feelings that Shuichi was too cowardly to handle? How worthless are feelings of warmth and affection in the hands of those too weak to embrace them, too weak to express them?</p><p> </p><p>Shuichi’s hands on his face were beginning to wet with tears. Those feelings for Kokichi had been translated so many times over – from love to fear to anger to hatred and now, regret.</p><p> </p><p>Crippling regret.</p><p> </p><p>In a situation like this, he should’ve had the foresight to reach out to everything he considered worth protecting – perhaps if Kokichi had known, perhaps if Shuichi had told him, even if his feelings were unrequited and Kokichi thought he was an embarrassment, god, maybe Kokichi would be alive with the knowledge he was cared for, and Shuichi wouldn’t be immobilised by all this guilt and regret.</p><p> </p><p>Instead, Kokichi had died in <em>such</em> a cruel way, with the belief that he was all alone, something that… Something that Shuichi had put into his head.</p><p> </p><p>It was so ironic. How frustrated Shuichi had gotten with Kokichi’s reluctance to just talk and be honest with what he was thinking and feeling – it was <em>so</em> ironic.</p><p> </p><p>Shuichi had been in no place to judge him this entire time. Shuichi was just as, if not far more, cowardly as Kokichi had been.</p><p> </p><p>Kaito had died soon afterwards, and Shuichi didn’t leave his room for a number of days.</p><p> </p><p>He’d been plagued by nightmares and waking up gave him such little relief that he began to embrace them.</p><p> </p><p>Dreams of him reaching out for Kokichi’s hand as he walked without looking back towards someplace he couldn’t follow him to, dreams of holding Kokichi until the skin on his smiling face burst into bright pink blood and splattered everywhere around him, dreams of being taunted by Kokichi’s reanimated corpse – somehow, he could cope with those visions easier than the sheer weight of loss and longing on his chest in the waking world.</p><p> </p><p>So he slept. Slept, slept and slept for god knows how long.</p><p> </p><p>Til Maki forced him up.</p><p> </p><p>There was an investigation she thought they might as well do and in Shuichi’s purposelessness, he went along with it.</p><p> </p><p>It was unbearable, he quickly found.</p><p> </p><p>Being in Kokichi’s messy room was unbearable.</p><p> </p><p>Shuichi had only stepped foot in Kokichi’s room when Kirumi had died all that time ago, so he hadn’t seen it develop into this mess.</p><p> </p><p>The thing he’d noticed immediately was that terrifying effigy of Rantaro hung upside down beside his bed. How Kokichi got any sleep with that there was beyond him.</p><p> </p><p>…Though he supposed he could understand. Kokichi had been so lonely, and Rantaro had been sweet to everyone for the short amount of time he’d spent with them. Shuichi recalled… He’d done Kaede’s nails, helped Kokichi reach books in the library, assisted Kirumi in the kitchen.</p><p> </p><p>So it wasn’t so absurd that Kokichi would have hoarded that creepy doll.</p><p> </p><p>The longer he thought about it, the more Shuichi felt his stomach turn. Why hadn’t Shuichi checked up on him more often? <em>Why</em>?</p><p> </p><p>He turned away before his vision could blur with tears but it didn’t serve him particularly well.</p><p> </p><p>On Kokichi’s whiteboard were portraits of all their classmates, with notes and diagrams scrawled all around them.</p><p> </p><p>And below Shuichi’s vandalised portrait, which had been torn in half vertically and then taped back together, was the word “trustworthy”.</p><p> </p><p>Shuichi felt his heart plummet and his mouth go dry.</p><p> </p><p>“…I’ll check this room out.”</p><p> </p><p>Shuichi, still speechless, turned in Maki’s direction.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s no use if you end up freaking out. I’ll investigate this room. You go on ahead.”</p><p> </p><p>He did as he was told.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The mystery was solved, and the killing game ended with three survivors.</p><p> </p><p>The world outside was just as gross as he had anticipated. Shuichi had no semblance of the life he remembered to return to, and floated about the world as aimlessly as the ghosts he was haunted by every night.</p><p> </p><p>Thirteen ghosts, their wailing and shrieking indicating the onset of dusk clearer to Shuichi than sunsets did.</p><p> </p><p>Shuichi found work a little later at age 17, as did the other two. They tried to live their lives as normally as possible.</p><p> </p><p>After some time, they agreed to not see each other again. Shuichi initially considered the idea a betrayal to Kaede, but he eventually came to terms with the fact that it was probably for the best.</p><p> </p><p>There was no moving on without it.</p><p> </p><p>There was no moving on, period, Shuichi found some time later. He had no idea how the other two were coping, and deleted phone numbers and erased text threads ensured that he would never find out.</p><p> </p><p>However, there was some peace in that conclusion, too.</p><p> </p><p>He’d been running away, trying to forget everything the entire time.</p><p> </p><p>Running away just as he had during the killing game.</p><p> </p><p>There was something other than regret in his heart the night the ghosts disappeared.</p><p> </p><p>It was something akin to… gratitude?</p><p> </p><p>Kokichi’s plan was convoluted and he made a number of inexcusable sacrifices, and Shuichi would never forgive him for what he’d done in that regard.</p><p> </p><p><em>But</em> Kokichi had also laid out all the pieces of the puzzle with such care so that Shuichi and the others could survive. He intended to save more lives by trying to get them to stay within the walls of the academy and stop chasing the mystery outside, but fell victim to the mastermind again at that point.</p><p> </p><p>Everyone had their own idea of how to save everyone, and that had been Kokichi’s. And it had worked, in part.</p><p> </p><p>It seemed that despite everything, the little prankster was a hero of sorts in the end.</p><p> </p><p>And there was no honouring a hero with so much self-pity.</p><p> </p><p>The sun was beginning to rise. Shuichi hadn’t slept that night, but he figured it was going to be the last of his constant sleepless nights.</p><p> </p><p>He hoped Maki and Himiko were going to come to terms with their losses soon.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>no idea how i wanted this to end so i improvised. i didn't want it to look like shuichi didn't care about the bad shit kokichi did but god damn it i just didn't want to write shuichi hating him right til the bitter end kjhgdf</p><p>there's so many different dynamics and stuff that i want to write with these twooooo i just love them so much and i keep getting ideas but idk how many of them are actually gonna make it into fics but i'll write what i can whenever i feel like it and we'll see how it goes from there hehe this one's been a ton of fun</p><p>also other than the fact that shuichi doesn't help kokichi when he falls during the chapter 3 investigation, the "you look like you don't believe me shuichi" line from his mastermind declaration also stuck with me a lot as Peak But Subtle Saiouma Pain Material but i didn't remember enough of that scene to put it in this</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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